Looking out at the night sky – thought dump

Looking out into the night sky, I am reminded that I don’t want to be here.

I’d rather be on that plane, flying overhead, wherever it is going – it’s certainly better than here.

Or in the car driving past, wherever it takes me, it’s not here.

No-one should be put in the situation I am in. Needing a way out of all of this, and having nowhere to go is a horrible feeling.

Being alone is a horrible feeling. I know I am not alone and I have friends who care a great deal for me, but for the moment, I am truly alone with my own thoughts.

My thoughts scare me, and make me believe that everything can be saved by a very rash decision of killing myself. I would never act on these thoughts, but they’re here and they’re here to stay for the foreseeable future.

People keep telling me that it gets easier. But I don’t see it. I’m clouded in my own thoughts and feelings that it will never get better. I want to surround myself with my friends and I want them to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay.

The medication I am on is messing with my memory, my work and my judgement. I don’t wish for these side effects. I have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday next week to discuss this.

For the meantime, I’m still on my own – fighting these thoughts of suicide, hatred, anger, bitterness and sadness. Thinking “Will it ever get better?”. Sometimes I think I’m selfish to be burdening others with my problems when I am talking to them about it. My problems are insignificant when compared to what others are going through.

Last week whilst I was wondering the house in a complete daze, I had to put myself to bed, because I was afraid that if I didn’t, I would do something stupid and something I would regret later.

I’ve been compiling a list of all of the people who would miss me, and everything I am grateful for in life. It may sound stupid, but I am most grateful for the night sky. It shows how insignificant we are in the universe.

Right now, the inability to cry is getting to me, and I am emotionally numb. Worried that I will never be the same again.

For me, the sky will never be the same shade of blue again and I fear that any night may be my last. I hope I have the strength to make it through this.

Give your friends a hug, and let them know that you’re there for them. Even if there is nothing wrong. You never know what is happening inside other people’s minds.

Published by

Matt Arnold

Snake-keeper/Sysadmin

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